Table 3 Supporting quotes for each main theme and subtheme

Prior to Pregnancy

“I hoped I'd outgrow this someday—it was exhausting—but that level of anxiety has always been present in my life. By the time I was 28, and pregnant with my daughter, it was clearer than ever that the worry monster was still lurking.” (Blog #4)

1

During Current Pregnancy

“Within weeks of becoming pregnant, I started having thoughts and feelings I had never experienced before. A wave of anxiety took hold of me, tightening its grip over my mind.” (Blog #17)

2

“Instantly, almost unbelievably, as if my mind has been simultaneously purged of its negative thoughts as I pushed my baby out, my mind returned to normal.” (Blog #17)

3

Previous Traumatic Pregnancy

“My fretfulness during this pregnancy has been 10 times worse as anxiety is now my constant companion. I expected to feel more anxious with baby (number two) after losing baby No. 1, but I never thought worry would be as persistent as it is.” (Blog #15)

4

“I fear that I may die next time, that I may bleed out, tear horribly as I did with the first two, or just have something dangerous or scary happen. It takes up a good deal of space in my daily life.” (Blog #7)

5

Uncertainty

  First prenatal appointment

“First Trimester: you feel awful, you have no reassurance that this will all be worth it, there’s the fear of if the baby does make it to delivery.” (Blog #2)

6

“The thought of having to wait 4 weeks was literally crippling, and I found myself calling the doctor's office in tears several times—literally begging them to see me.” (Blog #3)

7

  Baby's health

“Suddenly I felt like I was drowning in a sea of everything that could (and in my mind, WOULD) go wrong.” (Blog #3)

8

  Mother's health

“I would see photos of women nearing the end of their pregnancy, see how giant and stretched out their stomachs were, and start to panic. I was already having such a horrible time breathing I couldn't imagine getting so much bigger and being able to function.” (Blog #10)

9

  Miscarriage

“Thoughts turned to being obsessed with counting the movements of my baby because I thought he was dying inside me. I thought sleeping might hurt him so I used to try and stay awake all night. I was convinced he didn't want me to be his mother.” (Blog #16)

10

“Living with anxiety during a pregnancy after a loss is like walking on a tight rope for nine months, with no safety net below, just waiting in fear that I will slip and fall.” (Blog #15)

11

  Labour

“Then I'd start to imagine labour and how painful it will be, and what life with a constantly crying newborn would be like, and suddenly I felt like there was a 100-pound weight on my chest.” (Blog #10)

12

“I have broken down now in two midwife appointments and cry whenever I think about having to do that again. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and clearly I have anxiety and depression which I have never experienced in my lifetime. I fear that I may die next time, that I may bleed out, tear horribly as I did with the first two, or just have something dangerous or scary happen. It takes up a good deal of space in my daily life.” (Blog #7)

13

  Life impact

“I worried about bigger stuff, finances, how would having a baby change my marriage, will I learn the ropes of motherhood quickly enough.” (Blog #4)

14

  Guilt/shame

“From the positive test to the moment that you hold your new baby in your arms, pregnancy is expected to be a time of excitement and joy.” (Blog #13)

15

“I found it particularly difficult being with other pregnant women. It was hard to get real and relate with what they were feeling. Everyone would talk about feeling so great. I was thinking “Why don’t I feel fine?” I felt isolated when everyone else was having such great pregnancy experience and I was suffering.” (Blog #12)

16

“I felt like I’d already failed as a mother when I was put under maternal mental health. I thought I was a terrible mother who shouldn’t be allowed to have children. I thought horrible things about myself and considered that maybe I should just leave my husband to have both children – as I was so useless they wouldn’t even notice if I wasn’t there. I thought they’d be better off if I wasn’t there.” (Blog #16)

17

Perceived Lack of Control

  Privacy

“I'm more terrified than ever to be around people. Why? Because nobody has any boundaries when it comes to pregnant women. The constant questions about my child's gender, name, nursery theme, baby shower, which hospital I will deliver in, whether I will have an epidural or go natural, who I will have in the delivery room—they attack a young mom like me, like a medieval army would attack an unarmed city, Swiftly and without mercy.” (Blog #6)

18

  Labour and delivery choices

“I hoped and prayed that the baby would be breech so I had an excuse to not go through an un-medicated vaginal birth again. My husband assured me that I would feel disappointed in myself and the experience if I "wussed out”.” (Blog #7)

19

  Bodies

“Every moment I didn’t feel nauseous was a reminder of how little I understood what was happening inside of me — and how little I could control it.” (Blog #14)

20

“I begged my husband to let me have an abortion. He looked at me with horror and told me it wasn't an option. I had never felt so enraged. Why did I have to go through this, alone? It was my body, MY suffering.” (Blog #18)

21

  Anxiety

“I try to do what I can when I can in different aspects of my life to maintain order, but there is a lurking emotional monster somewhere near me at all times. By the time I was pregnant with my daughter, it was clearer than ever that the worry monster was still lurking.” (Blog # 7)

22

“I was buried deeper in despair than I thought humanly possible and realized the only way for me to escape would be to either terminate my pregnancy or terminate my life. This thought gave me the only feeling of hope or peace I'd had in weeks.” (Blog #18)

23

Thoughts, Feelings, and Physical Symptoms

“My brain. It’s not fully functioning right now. I walk around feeling like I’ve been drugged. I can’t concentrate, everything is muddled, and I just want to sleep.” (Blog #2)

24

“Not too long after that, I started noticing that I was far more impatient and irritable than usual and that I just didn’t feel like my usual self.” (Blog #1)

25

“I felt so ill-equipped to cope with normal biological pregnancy symptoms like nausea and fatigue. My serotonin had been so depleted that I didn’t have a supply to support me during the huge hormonal shifts associated with pregnancy. I had heart palpitations, difficulty sleeping, racing obsessive thoughts. It was so difficult coping with these physical symptoms of pregnancy, I was crying all the time and completely overwhelmed. I thought this was the worst thing that ever happened to me.” (Blog #12)

26

Behavioral Symptoms

“I didn’t feel like doing things that I usually really enjoy. Writing and blogging, for example, became suddenly very difficult and more of a chore than a hobby. I found myself withdrawing from my friends and even my husband. I realized that I preferred to be alone most of the time which is pretty atypical for me.” (Blog #1)

27

“I temporarily lost all interest in my outside goals and pursuits as all my energy is sapped up by the work of creating another life.” (Blog #2)

28

“Pregnancy tends to turn my whole being inwards. I become more private.” (Blog #2)

29