Table 4 Sub subordinate themes of broken canopy

1.1 It cannot be true - Baby with no heart beat

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't speak. Not only did I have to start processing this horrible information, but I had to experience it while still being pregnant…couldn't run. I couldn't fall to the floor. I had to hold up this big pregnant belly (SHARON)

All participants shared their disbelief when they learnt the baby’s heart stopped and their baby was no longer alive, although, they still looked pregnant and they still gave birth to their babies.

1.2 Questioned Self and Others

The death of a baby is so "off script". It's just not supposed to happen. And it taps into people's individual fears and discomfort (SARAH)

This ‘off – script’ experience then translated into failure of acknowledgement of such loss by others and the person being isolated from others as a result.

1.3 It cannot be true - baby with a heart beat

I know it's an odd observation to make, but I was really astounded by the fact she was breathing (ISABEL)

The realisation of the broken canopy and the heightened awareness in danger and death appeared to leave the women surprised at having given birth to a living, breathing baby after all. Women collectively reported that they questioned their ability to create life and were prepared to face further adverse experiences.

1.4 Surreal experiences

I enjoyed seeing Grace on the screen at our many doctors' appointments. Those were the moments I focused on her… But mostly, my thoughts and focus were on letting my hopes and dreams for Oliver go, and learning how I could incorporate his absence into my life (SHARON)

A co-existence appeared to be linked with the surreal experiences and left mothers in a dilemma. All participants reported simultaneously experiencing opposite feelings – joy and grief, were reported by all the participants.

1.5 Anxious parenting - (Unrealistic expectations from self; creating memories).

This is all after she was born -going through the labour with her was a different thing entirely! I have described the change over from being in labour to having her born as two different worlds -diving off of a cliff only to land in a foreign land (SHARON)

Heightened awareness of the imminent danger along with surreal experiences appears to influence mothers’ relationship with their infants and their parenting experiences.

1.6 Integrating death in life

In fact, there had always been that fear of driving. It was difficult to imagine myself in traffic jam. But today I drive to work every day (DEFNE)

The awareness of fragility of life and death itself appeared to bring a new authentic way of living. Life and death are not separate entities. Four out of six participants, articulated being able to find new ways of in engaging with life. Their focus appeared to move to the ‘present’ ‘here and now’ as described by Defne.